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Living In Limbo: Questioning my Life Plan


Welcome to Limbo Land

My New Home
I’ve realised something over the last few days. I feel like I’m living in limbo. There, I said it. It’s been on my mind for the past few weeks and I just couldn’t put into words what it was. It was last week, when the beautiful Megan Ellaby picked up her two new Dachshund puppies and took them home to their newly owned home, that I realised my issue. Alex and I are desperate to bring some pups into our life, not to mention buy our own home, car, super king sized bed, have kids and put a ring on it. It’s all in the works and we’re on the same page. But right now? I’m living in limbo land and it’s unsettling me a tad.

Let me explain what I mean without sounding in any way ungrateful, non-thankful or like a moany princess. I think I’ve always had this dream of owning my own house. Three bedrooms, a warm cosy lounge with a fireplace and a stunning kitchen where I could bake cookies, in my cute little apron, whilst the dog plays around my feet. I am far more the domesticated goddess in my imagination than in reality, that is for sure, but this is still my dream. And don’t get me wrong, Alex will also be cooking just as much, don’t you worry, but there’s this imaginary life plan that I had created, without even meaning to. We’d have the car in the garage, something sporty in a cute colour that I had chosen (obviously) and we would take turns driving the kids to school.

I guess within this dream, I had never actually thought about what exactly my career would be. That part was always a blur, and in some ways still is. This career I’m working in, it’s so brand new and unique that no one knows where it’s going and what exactly the end goal is. I certainly don’t right now. And whilst I’m here for the ride (and enjoying every single second might I add) I guess it’s this feeling of what, what if, how, who, where and why that is the unsettling part. I guess that my career aspirations are currently pushing me to question everything I’m currently doing in life, and everything I still NEED to do. I have so many goals for my future and ideas for what I’d love to accomplish, but they’re just pipe dreams and nothing in life is ever certain. This means in some ways, I can’t settle, until I know what path my life is heading down.

Take buying a house for instance; probably the most questionable part of my life plan so far. I travel very frequently, 26 times this year and 24 times last year in fact. That’s at least 2 trips a month. I’ve therefore visited Heathrow more times than I have my own family home in 2017 and here lies my predicament. When deciding where on earth to buy a house in this big beautiful country we have, do I go Northwards? Then I’m just outside of London, easy to reach from Wigan for when the kids hopefully arrive in a few years? (Hey Mum the future babysitter!) But that leaves me far from Heathrow for quick trips away and also far from quick meetings in the city. Do I go south? Then I’m close to Heathrow, but making any family trips extremely difficult from the North and again having to spend a long time getting into the city. Do I continue renting in London? I’m literally throwing my money away on someone else’s mortgage, but living in one of the loveliest places in this incredible city and also having a tiny cab journey to and from important meetings. Do I try to buy in London? Is that even worth doing when costs are ridiculously high and it would never really be my dream home unless I won the Euromillions? Or, do I throw it all in and move back to my Manchester haven? I could buy a dream-house twice the size but I’d be braving the awful weather (come on Manchester peeps, I’m not being mean here, you know it’s awful, I lived in Rain City for 10 years). How does one even make this choice? I’m utterly confused and in honesty, top of my list right now is to just stay put.

“If I stay put, I’m not saving what I could be for my own future house. And I can’t bring a much desired puppy into my non-puppy life. But then I travel so much I can’t really get a dog anyway right now; but what if I do stop travelling quite so much? Or maybe I could stop travelling so much for the chance to have a puppy? But then travelling is so wonderful for my work; but it does hinder me buying somewhere further North..” .. this is my inner monologue by the way, if you hadn’t guessed. And you know what? It’s actually a great place to be. Happy in a fulfilling relationship, living in London, loving my job, travelling the world and thinking about the future. My god do I feel extremely lucky. But as a person, and a woman who has grown up with ideals for her life, (or what she thought might happen) part of me loves this idea of having a home and a husband and a baby and a dog. But you can’t always have everything in life. And that is my issue – having to decide what I want to do with my life, right now, and also in the next few years. It’s just the complexities and uncertainties of this new career that leaves me wondering about ‘what if’?

So to bring this back to something I can even understand myself and to somewhat round up what feels like a huge ramble, I feel like I’m in limbo. I’m 28 but I can’t settle down right now. I’m like the millions of others trying to save for a deposit, for a house in goodness knows what county or side of the country, working in a career where I have no idea about my future. For me, until I’m able to choose what I want to do and settle somewhere, invest my money in a house that I can call my own, I just feel like I’m waiting. Waiting for the next thing to happen, that could be THE thing. But what will that be and how will I know? I’m just waiting, renting, and hoping for my life to continue on the path I dream of. I wish I had it all figured out, but like so many others I’m far from having it all figured out.

I’m happy and I’m in love and I know that’s all that really matters. But that feeling of stability is something I absolutely crave and always have. I guess I’ll just have to keep my head down, work hard, aim high and figure it out along the way; all whilst making Limbo-Land my new home.

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I’d love to know if any of you are in the same predicament. At a stage in life where you are a bit confused as to what to do next? Friends are buying houses and getting married and you’re a little unsure as to where you want your life to lead? Or maybe you too have a job with stability you’re unsure of and you feel like you too are living in Limbo Land?

 I’d like to think I’m not the only person worrying about every step I take!

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